Thursday 14 January 2010

Current Security Levels

In from cyberspace.  (Or, ah well, what's wrong with a bit of fun stereotyping....)

Current security levels:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist  threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to  "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been  "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all  but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from  "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a  "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of  1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Fuck Off" to  "Let's get the Fuckers" They don't have any other levels. This  is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government  announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France  are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated  by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military  capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened  level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level  from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations"  and "Change Sides."
The Germans also  increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress  in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:  "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on  the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they  are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to  deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so  the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old  Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out  pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies,  just in  case.
New  Zealand has also raised its security levels -  from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks  (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying  paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's  bath), New Zealand only has  one more level of escalation, which is "fuck, I hope Australia will come and  rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised  its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright,  mate".
Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll  need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.